Don't listen to Webster, he's crazy

The latest and greatest in the Mark Foley scandal:

"While conceding that Foley had inappropriate communications with pages and former pages, attorney David Roth said Foley had 'never, ever had an inappropriate sexual contact with a minor in his life.'
'He is absolutely, positively not a pedophile,' Roth said. 'He is apologetic for the communications that he made while under the influence of alcohol.'

First of all, apparently he isn't attracted to young boys at all (when sober anyway)! No, it was the alcohol that caused him to make sexual advances to young boys even though he had absolutely no latent homosexuality. So as of today, alcohol no longer has the inhibition-freeing effect that it has had throughout history. Now alcohol makes you do the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. This just in - Foley has just now remembered, he's a victim here too. See, when Republicans commit crimes, it's because they have "illnesses" and "are victims too".

And finally we are just receiving word that the English language has just been changed to accomodate Mr. Foley and his lawyers. You see, up until today, this was the definition of the word "pedophile":

ped·o·phile (pĕd'ə-fīl', pē'də-) n. An adult who is sexually attracted to a child or children.

As of today, the "-Phile" suffix no longer means "lover", it now means "molester". This is a very interesting development since it means that ancient Greek, from which '-phile' comes, has undergone its first change in several millenia. Oh, and all self-proclaimed audiophiles, hemophiliacs, and francophiles are now felons.