Everyone knows you can't kill the Energizer Bunny... or Oprah for that matter.

From the US Department of Pre-Crime, we have the following news bulletin:

"Girls charged with conspiring to kill classmates, Oprah, Tom Cruise, The Energizer Bunny"

Authorities discover that some 14 year old girls have been writing a list of 300 people to kill, on their MySpace page. They have been arrested and charged with conspiracy to commit homicide. Did I mention they are 14 year old girls and had 300 people on the list, including the Energizer Bunny?

Either we, as a nation, have finally degenerated into a quivering mass of paranoia, or these girls get up awfully early in the morning.

Taking down Oprah alone is probably an all-day operation. And you know the Bunny won't just hang around while you finish her off, it'll just keep going and going. These are not the homicidal plans of chronic late-sleepers.

Perhaps the cops have other evidence we haven't heard about - maybe they found a stash of Hello Kitty handguns in their locker.

I actually thought I was making up Hello Kitty handguns for a minute there. But then a cloud of cynicism formed over me, and I paused to check.

I hereby take back what I said about the quivering mass of paranoia.

Notice that I didn't make fun of the girls for putting Tom Cruise on the list.