Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Haven't spent enough time looking at my feet

How many bones do your toes have? Think about it.

Then click here for the answer (6th item in the list). I would have gotten it wrong. Next time I start acting all smart, someone please point out I don't know basic things about my own feet. Which I might add I've owned for 33 years and have probably looked at more than casually probably 1000 times.

Have I mentioned I don't feel sorry for you?

Ok, so remember how I expressed my lack of sympathy for people who took out home loans they had no chance of paying back?

Turns out some of them deserve far less than mere lack of sympathy. In fact, many of them deserve a punch in the face. With brass knuckles. And maybe one in the gut, for good measure.

You see, rather than being humble in their mistake, they are lashing out at anyone within range. Some of them are destroying the house on the way out the door. That's pretty juvenile and senseless, but at least it's not targeted at innocent bystanders. However, it gets worse.

Some people are abandoning their pets
. After they've punched up all the drywall and smashed the toilets, they are waving goodbye to Fido, leaving him tied up in the backyard, where he will starve to death. And they know it. Anyone who could do such a horrible thing deserves to get foreclosed on. I know the foreclosure happened first, but let's be reasonable, foreclosure is not the end of the world. These people still have a place to live, it's just not the fancy house they couldn't afford. Even if they were now homeless, I've seen a lot of homeless guys with dogs, and the dogs are always the better fed of the pair. Foreclosure sucks, but it isn't supposed to turn you into a bitter, cruel asshole. I think it's clear these people were assholes all along, and they got exactly what they deserved. In fact, they got better than they deserved. To you pathetic jerks, I downgrade lack of sympathy to 'I hope you get hit by a bus'. The world is better off without you.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Killer Deer

I guess people are getting bored being afraid of Muslims and bird flu. The new 'in' killers are:

You hear that? They're invading our suburbs! Don't turn your back on a deer for even one second.  They'll use their sharp... hooves and ravenous... herbivore teeth... to tear you limb from limb.

Ok, maybe not.  But don't think for a second that they're just cute defenseless animals!  Listen to this shocking testimony of one womans tale of terror.  A deer made her sad after she smashed it to bits with her SUV!

Meghan Berry, a 27-year-old New Jersey graduate student, collided with "an absolutely gigantic" deer while driving one night. After killing the deer, she was traumatized by the fur it left behind on the demolished car.

Those evil, diabolical deer! They must be stopped at all costs! There's one now!

Oh my god it's coming right for us!!!

Coming up next: Squirrels - cute or deadly?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Do not panic, everything is perfectly fine

That's what major news outlets are saying today about the stock market. The Fed cut interest rates in an emergency effort to stave off recession. Just a few hours later these headlines:

ABC News: CNN:

Don't panic, don't sell -- save and network

Hm, since when do media outlets give such clear cut BUY or SELL advice? I'm sure they are just trying to help the average joe. Right?

Um, no, if they wanted to help us, they would do some fact checking on government lies, and we all know that they do no such thing. So that explanation is out. The next most obvious explanation goes like this: There's a lot of rich people with a lot of stock they wish to sell. They can't get a good price with a million average joes also trying sell. So they call up the heads of their media companies, and tell them to immediately print big headlines meant to keep us from doing anything. In fact, CNN actually suggests buying! If you run out of money later, they say, just borrow against your home equity. Brilliant advice. It will give the rich media company owners someone to buy their stocks before they tank! And if you decide to just hold, at least you will let the rich guys out the door first.

Ok, I don't claim to be able to predict stock markets, I have no idea whether there's going to be a recession, and if there is, when it's going to happen. But I do know that these headlines are a really bad sign. Just so you all know, I did sell some non-retirement stocks today. And not just a few bucks worth either. Yeah, it probably wasn't necessary for someone my age, but let's just say I sold just enough to feel ok no matter what happens.

If it turns out that these headlines were really run to make the rich richer, it sure was a pretty clumsy and obvious attempt. At least the readers' comments on the ABC story seem overwhelmingly skeptical of the article.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

A sign of age

I suddenly realized I'm not so young anymore. it's not because my body is losing its shape, although I can't say I'm in the best shape of my life. It's not because I'm going senile (or is it?). No, the thing that opened my eyes to my age is known as "2 Girls 1 Cup".

For those of you who aren't familiar with this, it's a gross-out video. If you're about to stop reading this and google it with the intention of watching it, for crissakes, I implore you, don't. Not too long ago, I didn't shy away from gross-out stuff. I got into a gross-out war with my friend Terry that began with the emailing of photos of gunshot wounds and got worse from there. Back then, my general stance on this sort of material is that they were just images and couldn't hurt me no matter how disgusting. Of course that stance is a lot easier to take before you've looked at the material in question. So even though I was seriously disturbed by those genital mutilation photos, I had opened them anyway, I suppose because I just had to know the answer to the age old question 'what's grosser than gross'? Back then I think I got the answer - I knew that was about worst thing out there and I survived it.

I just can't do it anymore. I just can't open "2 Girls 1 Cup". I know that the internet has even darker corners now than it did 10 years ago. Relax, I'm not going to describe "2 Girls 1 Cup" here. (I've read 1-sentence descriptions so I know the main idea. Fortunately I don't even have to describe it at all to inform you how gross it is). Let me put it this way, there is a popular YouTube series of simply people's reactions to watching the video - the "2 Girls 1 Cup" video itself isn't shown at all. People apparently react so strongly in disgust as to make it comical and YouTube worthy. I say 'apparently' because I can't even bring myself to watch the reaction videos either. I already know "2 Girls 1 Cup" is more than I can handle. I'd say my time of being part of the most depraved generation has passed. I know that's a good thing overall, but there was always this sense of power over older people because we could stomach things that they couldn't. Now I've lost that power, however minor and impractical.

Perhaps someone could comment on whether they think each generation has always been more depraved than the last, or if this is just a recent trend.