Friday, October 13, 2006

But..but... it really looks like cleavage

I found this article today on

Some kid's mom is freaking out, because she thinks her 7 year old daughter's school picture has had cleavage photoshopped onto it, presumably by some sick photographer.

And now the Eyewitness News team is on the case, and doing a bang-up job, I must say.

“It blew my mind. I couldn't believe that someone would do that,”

the girl's mother is quoted as saying.

The crack news team at WFTV also 'showed the photo to several photography professionals who all said it appeared to have been doctored and likely was not a natural shadow.' Well done.

The only problem is their so-called experts are probably the kids at the local Ritz Camera (who still should have known better). And the girl's mother is talking straight out of her ass. It's pure hysterical knee-jerk reaction. Jump to conclusions much?

Let's take a look at the photograph in question. The girl's jean jacket is open and it is several inches away from her body, casting shadows from each lapel. Since each lapel is casting a shadow inside the jacket, there must have been two light sources, one on each side.

The so-called "cleavage" is simply the intersection of those two shadows. For those who think the shadow is "too dark", look at the shadow to the left of her neck, it's just as dark.

And besides, if anything shouldn't the mother have been complaining that the girl's face was all out of focus? Just kidding.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Don't listen to Webster, he's crazy

The latest and greatest in the Mark Foley scandal:
"While conceding that Foley had inappropriate communications with pages and former pages, attorney David Roth said Foley had 'never, ever had an inappropriate sexual contact with a minor in his life.'
'He is absolutely, positively not a pedophile,' Roth said. 'He is apologetic for the communications that he made while under the influence of alcohol.'
First of all, apparently he isn't attracted to young boys at all (when sober anyway)! No, it was the alcohol that caused him to make sexual advances to young boys even though he had absolutely no latent homosexuality. So as of today, alcohol no longer has the inhibition-freeing effect that it has had throughout history. Now alcohol makes you do the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. This just in - Foley has just now remembered, he's a victim here too. See, when Republicans commit crimes, it's because they have "illnesses" and "are victims too".

And finally we are just receiving word that the English language has just been changed to accomodate Mr. Foley and his lawyers. You see, up until today, this was the definition of the word "pedophile":
ped·o·phile (pĕd'ə-fīl', pē'də-) n. An adult who is sexually attracted to a child or children.
As of today, the "-Phile" suffix no longer means "lover", it now means "molester". This is a very interesting development since it means that ancient Greek, from which '-phile' comes, has undergone its first change in several millenia. Oh, and all self-proclaimed audiophiles, hemophiliacs, and francophiles are now felons.

Monday, October 02, 2006

New heights of hypocrisy reached

Rep. Mark Foley on Bill Clinton in 1998:
"It's vile. It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."

Rep. Mark Foley in Congress, 2005:
"Sex offenders are not petty criminals. They prey on our children like animals and will continue to do it unless stopped. We need to change the way we track these pedophiles. Mr. Chairman, it has often been noted that a society can be judged on how it best treats it children. We have a moral responsibility to do everything in our power to protect our kids from these animals."

Rep. Mark Foley's alleged AOL Instant Messenger session with a male teenage Congressional page, 2003:

Maf54 (8:03:47 PM): what you wearing

Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:04 PM): normal clothes

Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:09 PM): tshirt and shorts

Maf54 (8:04:17 PM): um so a big buldge

Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:35 PM): ya

Maf54 (8:04:45 PM): um

Maf54 (8:04:58 PM): love to slip them off of you

Xxxxxxxxx (8:05:08 PM): haha

Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake

Maf54 (8:06:13 PM): grab

I find it truly remarkable that this man may be prosecuted under the very same laws he helped to create. I challenge anyone to find a more appropriate situation to describe using Shakespeare's "thou doth protest too much" quote.

America, this is your elected government.