Tuesday, December 19, 2006

it's amazing how far you can make it in Lafayette, naked with a bone sticking out

What follows below is a summary of a news article. I have marked the places where the journalist failed to address incredibly obvious questions, or even acknowledge such questions would come up. See if you can guess what the questions are, and check your answers below.
A man gets high on some drugs, jumps off a hotel balcony thereby breaking his ankle so badly the bone is sticking out. He then proceeds to strip naked and wander into the hotel office (Question 1). He then proceeds down the road and flags down a passing motorist (Question 2). He then gets a ride to the local Waffle House (Question 3). The Waffle House employees call the police after the man became irate and verbally abusive (Question 4). Then the man grabs a female employee, causing a male employee to subdue him with a choke hold. Then four police officers arrive, and after failing to subdue the man (Question 5), they taser him repeatedly with no effect. The man later dies in the hospital (perhaps from the taser, or the drugs, or the ankle, or a combination).
Ready? Here we go.

1) He was 'wandering' on a broken ankle with the bone sticking out?
2) What kind of crazy fucking town is this? These townspeople see a naked, drugged up man in the road, with a bone sticking out of his ankle that he doesn't seem to notice, and they think "I should stop and pick this guy up"? Ok, let's suppose for the sake of argument, that you wouldn't have to be batshit insane to attempt to help this man. This must have been a good samaritan trying to get him to a hospital, right?
3) Wrong. The motorist actually takes the naked man to the Waffle House, as if this sort of thing happens all the time.
4) The Waffle House employees call the cops AFTER he becomes abusive? So nobody paid much notice to the naked man with a bone sticking out of his ankle. But when he becomes abusive, "well that just tears it, call the police".
5) So, 1 unarmed Waffle House employee gets the guy in a choke hold and keeps him there until four policemen arrive, but the police can't subdue the guy even when they use the Taser?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Never have I been more confident in our nation's financial system

A law was recently passed that bans melting US currency coins. Hm, ok, given the crisis in Iraq, wouldn't this sound like a low priority to you? You'd be surprised - it's actually a rather important fire for Congress to put out. Why, you may ask.

Because the metal in the coins is now worth significantly more than its face value.

That's right folks, that 1 cent penny has 1.73 cents worth of metal in it. All you need to do is melt it and sell the metal. It will actually bring you an instant 73% profit, which I assure you is the very best thing you can do with that penny. And it's totally legal and has been forever. Hurry, this is a limited time offer! Ends Friday, December 15. Yeah, that's tomorrow. Sorry.

Seriously, if there was ever a better time to get rid of the penny, it's....well, ten years ago. Look at what we've become - passing laws to put people in jail for melting money! Whose fault is it that the metal is worth more than the face value? Isn't it the government's job to make sure the materials in the coins are worth less than the money itself? It would seem they are punishing everyone else for their own mistake. While they were busy arguing over the fate of one comatose woman, and whether gays are ruining the institution of marriage, and whether or not they should build a bridge to nowhere, this doozy sort of slipped by them.

So you better not take advantage of their incompetence, or you'll go to jail. After tomorrow.